8. My parents are ordinary human beings

         When I think of my childhood, I see that it can be considered very good compared to the overall average of the population, with regard to the factors of living conditions. I was born in a middle class family, never went through experiences of deprivation, where I studied in the best private schools and had no childhood tragedies, like losing a father, witnessed scenes of violence, suffering a serious accident, being physically abused or live with chronic illness in family, like alcoholism.
         However, I suffered emotional trauma that now I know are crucial to my life and my choices. My childhood was marked by a sense of not being looked upon by my parents. They worked hard, probably trying to earn money to make a better life for our family, and when they came home, they were tired. They wanted to rest, and I wanted their attention, however, was painful trying to get the attention because they clearly did not have much energy to offer and always seemed to be busy with other things that I thought were more important than what I needed. The perception that they often forget my presence at home and in their lives was common, and it worsened when I watch fights between them. Swallowed the tears and felt a pain in his chest when I felt forgotten. My mother has a character quite impulsive and when she got angry for some reason, I already knew what to expect of his reaction. She had outbursts of anger in that cursed everything and everyone who was around. A simple situation was a trigger that burst the powder keg. She screamed a lot and his eyes scared me because I did not know exactly what his limit. For me it was the constant fear that she would lose her head in these outbursts of anger, which often happen during hers PMS. My father is an extremely patient person. It is tolerant and often endure great torments silent. Most of the time he was present in tantrums of my mother, he did nothing. He looked as if this was common, as anyone who hopes that one day it could be resolved by itself, as much as heard him say was to call my mother "neurotic." Neurosis, one of the words I hear most in my college in psychology. He did not have the same fear that I, after all, the child of my position was weaker than his husband. He was not afraid of the tyranny of my mother for not being subordinate to it as I was. A deep sense of guilt accompanied me, whenever any of these chaotic situations happened in my family. I always thought the dislike that I witnessed between my parents was my fault, do not ask me why. Today I know that feeling of agony that I felt was guilty, but the time was something he could not name. I ached to see my parents exchanged caresses, loving words or acts that would stimulate the love between them. It hurt even more to witness scenes of hatred and anger that a cursed and blamed the other in front of all the children, without ceremony, like we watch what conditions. Over the years, I got used to that dynamic. They say that human beings have an amazing capacity to adapt and that is both its best feature, as the worst, because we adapt to everything, even to suffering, to stay alive.
Over time my defense reaction to this was to create a dynamic idea that did not need my parents to live. I could not count them, there could not be trouble, not show my weaknesses, ask for something, anything, after they saw my needs, did not realize how it all affected me. All I had to do was show the face of perfection, giving the least work possible and try to cure them somehow. I felt I could do this, not only could, as was my duty to try to solve their problem.
With everything I had to go for treatment, I needed a lot of my parents. For everything to be with me in the hospital, help me up when I needed to go to the doctors, finally, I was in a position where you could not abdicate their help. Fortunately I was able to enlist the aid of both, for different things. My mother got closer, having more free time, and was with me in two surgeries. Both the chemo as the second surgery, I cursed my mother enough. In times when I was angry I did not think twice before downloading my anger on her. She received with simplicity and gave no response to provoke me. She always tried to see what she was making so I do not get annoyed. While cursed, felt alive and full of energy, as if I had the right to be stupid and rude to her. This "change" that I gave her was not the solution to my child's pain, but a reaction of despair on my part.
Dad part further away from the treatment, by its characteristic and further to work most of the time. But whenever I needed something, go the pharmacy, take me on chemo, he promptly did, with ease, without complaining even once. However my father was never the target of my anger discharges. During treatment, my father wept in secret for my condition. I know that my mother lost several nights sleep. Both my father and my mother have huge difficulties in dealing with my cancer. They can barely pronounce this word. Always seek other terms, but when calham to say "cancer", said in a lower tone, as if afraid of the word. Do not blame them, after all, both of my grandfathers died of cancer when they were between 40 and 50 years.
The treatment ended and I was realizing how my relationship with them had been transformed. They witnessed me in my moment of greatest vulnerability. Gradually I realized that I had not and I have nothing to do with the fights that I witnessed during most of my life. Today, if my parents want to love or hate, it's their problem, because for me, they will always be that couple who, dying with lust for one another, one day decided to love, and of this union, I came into the world.
Father, Mother, I am very proud of you. You have already fulfilled the mission of father and mother to me. You have taught me how to live and not live. Took care of my survival and I endeavored to have the best life you could give. It is a privilege to have you live with me, and while life allows, it will be very good. 'll Take forever within me love you, and I can never repay what you have done, just bend over and thank me. I love you, thank you.